Query Critique #4

Hey everyone!

Happy Friday! Here is this weeks query critique :) Thanks again to the authors for the use of their queries.


QUERY:

Twelve year-old Jude begins to travel between parallel worlds. At
first, the only downside is dealing with predicaments caused by the
parallel-reality versions of herself who take her place while she’s
gone (The first sentence doesn't really catch my attention. I think a sentence about how she discovers how she can hop between worlds would be more effective in grabbing an agents attention. Also, I'm just a little confused from the first couple of sentences. At first, it seems like Jude may be the only one that can travel between parallel worlds, but then there is mention of the Rule Breaker and Switching Rule, so it seems like others are able to as well.).
Then Jude is given a note, the worlds are in trouble, and learns
a Rule Breaker—[someone with a pendant breaking a Switching Rule] (this might be a little too much information to add in a query because it implies travel between parallel worlds is common (for instance, this makes it seem like the reader is familiar with what a Switching Rule is), but Jude is just learning about it. I think it would help if there was a sentence to help transition, a sentence that would let us know others have this ability. Is it an ability for everyone as whole?)—is causing catastrophic events in the alternate worlds.

 In one world, her entire family is dead except for her little sister.
Jude tries to save her, but is too late—and vows to go after the Rule
Breaker even if it means he will try to destroy her world (why does he want to destroy her world?).
When a cute boy she keeps meeting in the other worlds shows her a virtual game,
Jude figures out how the Rule Breaker is causing the catastrophes.

After piecing together more clues, Jude is stunned to realize a
version of the cute boy is the Rule Breaker. Now Jude—with the help of
her best friend Windy—must figure out which parallel world the Rule
Breaker is hiding in and find a way to stop him. Before all the worlds
are destroyed.

I think this is an interesting premise. Overall, I think the query works fairly well. Just keep in mind you are introducing the reader--in this case, the agent--to the character(s)/world you've created, so it's important to make things as clear as possible. 

~J

Query Critique #3

Hope Everyone is having a fabulous week! Time for another query critique. As always, thanks so much to the authors!

QUERY:

Anna is stuck in a rut. To be fair, though, it’s a very comfortable rut
that her dad approves of, and that she dug for herself. But still, it’s
time for a change.

Change comes in the form of Coy McLeod Nice :), visiting Anna’s small hometown from the far away land of Chicago. He’s as spontaneous, passionate, and independent as Anna is… not.

I don't feel I get a good sense of the plot/story from the above paragraphs, and they don't really grab my attention. I think it's good that you briefly mention how Anna and Coy are so different. However, I wasn't sure if that-their differences-was the main conflict/tension or not. You might try to make that a little clearer. Also, I think it might be more effective if you try to incorporate that into the following paragraph--How important is it to the plot? 

When Coy gets the idea to take a Shakespeare Festival road trip, Anna
agrees to go along, hoping the spontaneity of the trip will help her to be
more open to new things. This gives me a better idea about the story, and I think this would be a better place to start, but keep in mind you also want to set up the tension/conflict. But when she returns home, she is just as uncertain of what to do with her future as when she left. I don't understand why she is so uncertain. This sort of goes along with my previous comment. What is it that is going to make me want to keep reading? Coy has added a new choice to Anna’s list of possible future plans- he wants her to move to

Chicago with him. As if things weren’t confusing enough already. I think this line works well. It sort of lets us know the stakes. 

Should she finish college at her family’s alma mater, while staying at home
with her widower father? Or take a chance on Coy, and step into the
unknown? As time runs out on Anna’s last semester of school, it will take a
proposal, a death, and The Sound of Music to bring the curtain down on her
old life.

Not a bad start. I would just try to tighten it up a little bit. 

LOVE AND THE BARD is a New Adult contemporary romance, complete at 90,000
words. It would appeal to readers who enjoy contemporary Young Adult
novels, such as those by Sarah Dessen, and are now looking for an older
protagonist. The first ten pages are included after my contact information.
You are also welcome to use my work for a first-page critique on your blog
should you wish. Thank you very much for your consideration!

Query Critique #2

Good morning, everyone! 

Happy Friday! Time for another query critique. I really hope you guys are finding these critiques helpful. Thanks so much to the authors :) Have a wonderful weekend!


QUERY:

In this era of bastard slaves, blood is the only currency. I would try to tie this line in a little better with your last sentence. 

It is 1667, and a British colony in the New World has shot two birds dead. I would maybe start with introducing Tommy and Sanctum--and what he's doing there. This line doesn't really hook the reader, and you need to hook the reader from the get-go. Illegitimates (Are they orphans? I don't feel I have a good idea who the Illegitimates are. Are there any girls?) that clog up the streets are dragged into abandoned blade mills and tobacco plantations. Some call this colony Sanctum. To most, the name is a sick joke not to be repeated. This tells us a bit about Sanctum, but I don't quite see how it follows into the sentence about Tommy digging graves (This sort of goes with my comment above about hooking the reader). 

14-year-old Tommy spends his days digging graves and chasing down body snatchers. "One of the lucky ones," should be branded across Tommy's back, for people whip him with it daily. Bastard boys are not to read pamphlets of lands far, far away. Asking where Mother and Father have gone will not bring them home. I would probably omit this line, or rework. It seems like the pamphlets are important (because in the next paragraph we learn they find clues leading away from Sanctum), but I'm not clear on how it fits.  

When somebody starts tarring tombstones with riddles from Oedipus Rex, leading Tommy to graves filled with gold, all hope catches fire. I think this line works well! Tommy's puzzlemaker turns out to be a five-foot nothing Sorceress who wields lightning like a hot knife. I really like this line! but I think it could be clarified just a little. The person who is leaving the riddles is the witch, right? (I was just wondering if the witches are common, and how are they received?) Also, we learn later that the girl's family is missing, but I wasn't sure if that was her motive for leaving the riddles(?) And this New Witch is not after Tommy for his dimples. Pursued by slavers, witch hunters, and a preacher that drinks magic like it's Dutch wine, the duo piece together a set of clues that lead away from Sanctum. Deep into a dangerous paradise of forgotten cities and deadly traps.

Now every step takes a preacher they can't kill nearer to the witches he most wants to meet. Finding this girl's family means realizing Tommy's worst fear: that a man's worth is measured in blood.


Thanks so much for reading!
~J 

Query Critique #1

Good morning, everyone!

Today I'm posting the first in a series of query critiques. I plan on posting one every Friday, so please check back. Thanks so much to the authors for the use of their queries! Okay, on to the critique...

Query:

In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald. This is a really good first line. Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. I wasn't sure what this sentence has to do with the spell (in the following sentence). The spell has something to do with landscaping? But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even he anticipates. Nice. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison. 

A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Is shrinking the punishment for all wrongdoing and for everyone? I also don't think you need to mention that he'll be working with his father. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. How did he learn about the amulet? But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on. How would this affect Gerald and his people? It seems like that would be a bad thing. 

Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans.  But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. I don't think you really need this sentence. The rest of the query sets up the conflict, and stakes fairly well. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last. The last line works well, too. Overall, I think this a pretty solid query.