Friday, October 25, 2013

Query Critique #4

Hey everyone!

Happy Friday! Here is this weeks query critique :) Thanks again to the authors for the use of their queries.


Twelve year-old Jude begins to travel between parallel worlds. At
first, the only downside is dealing with predicaments caused by the
parallel-reality versions of herself who take her place while she’s
gone (The first sentence doesn't really catch my attention. I think a sentence about how she discovers how she can hop between worlds would be more effective in grabbing an agents attention. Also, I'm just a little confused from the first couple of sentences. At first, it seems like Jude may be the only one that can travel between parallel worlds, but then there is mention of the Rule Breaker and Switching Rule, so it seems like others are able to as well.).
Then Jude is given a note, the worlds are in trouble, and learns
a Rule Breaker—[someone with a pendant breaking a Switching Rule] (this might be a little too much information to add in a query because it implies travel between parallel worlds is common (for instance, this makes it seem like the reader is familiar with what a Switching Rule is), but Jude is just learning about it. I think it would help if there was a sentence to help transition, a sentence that would let us know others have this ability. Is it an ability for everyone as whole?)—is causing catastrophic events in the alternate worlds.

 In one world, her entire family is dead except for her little sister.
Jude tries to save her, but is too late—and vows to go after the Rule
Breaker even if it means he will try to destroy her world (why does he want to destroy her world?).
When a cute boy she keeps meeting in the other worlds shows her a virtual game,
Jude figures out how the Rule Breaker is causing the catastrophes.

After piecing together more clues, Jude is stunned to realize a
version of the cute boy is the Rule Breaker. Now Jude—with the help of
her best friend Windy—must figure out which parallel world the Rule
Breaker is hiding in and find a way to stop him. Before all the worlds
are destroyed.

I think this is an interesting premise. Overall, I think the query works fairly well. Just keep in mind you are introducing the reader--in this case, the agent--to the character(s)/world you've created, so it's important to make things as clear as possible. 



Dave Clark said...

Jordy: You're more gentle and complete than the Query Shark. Your last comment line needs to be carved in stone and trumpeted on high. What a clear statement of what a query should do!

Emily Shotwell said...

I have to say- I think crafting a great query letter is more nerve- racking (or nerve-wrecking) than the actual writing of a manuscript. It is a whole new level of stress. What to add? What to leave out? How to sell it? eeeeek! Thanks for sharing your insights. They are helpful and appreciated!

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